Monday, January 25, 2010

Year One

I made it, I actually survived it. Who would have thought it? I didn’t, and guess what; there wasn’t medication beyond month one.

I lost my Daddy (any man can be a father, but only a special person can be a Daddy) a year ago today. A piece of me died with him. I won’t lie, I really wanted to curl up and go with him. I never thought I would know this world without him. Of course, I didn’t want to know this world without him in it, what little girl wants to experience marriage without her Dad giving her away on her wedding day? What girl wants to bear children without their grandfather to dote on them? I won’t lie, I felt cheated out of life the day he died.

Here is the weird part; the reality of him being gone has never set in. I still wake up every day still in shock…"holy shit, he is really not here anymore”. It’s like the movie “50 first dates.” I am sure that it’s me trying to cope and of course, having a major case of denial. Who wants to start facing reality that one of the most Important people in your life, someone you consider a best friend, a person that is an inspiration in your life, is no longer on this earth. So I think to myself, he's not really dead, he just went on one of his trips to Biloxi, this time for extended gambling!

I wish I could have better memories that run through my mind, but I am conflicted with rerunning his last day over and over. The memories of the hospital, the looks on everyone’s faces when my sister and I arrived to the hospital, the thoughts running through my mind when the doctor talked, me wanting to shake to doctor to speak English and not medical, I remember thinking over and over, “this can’t be happening”, and the I remember just wanting to run out of the building and get as far away as possible. If I am not there then it’s not happening!
Despite all that, I survived “Year One” without my Daddy. His phone number is still saved in my phone, but I survived, didn’t say I was willing to change some things!! Check back and see how “Year Two” goes. Maybe next year I can report that I can go back to wearing regular/non water proof mascara on a daily basis.

“You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember him only that he is gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.”

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